TEXT: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22),
House and Wealth are inheritance from the fathers, But a prudent wife is from the Lord, (Proverbs 19:14)

THEME: Relationships

INTRODUCTION: Pure relationships between single boys and single girls in the church is a gift from God. Immorality, which is defined as having sexual relationship outside proper marriage, is not acceptable in the church and it is highly condemned in Scripture. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), and it lays a bad foundation for marriage and generally the future of a person involved. Sanctity of the body is a basis of worship of God.

Today around the world, family isn’t what God had designed it to be, because the Biblical principles have been ignored. This begins in a time of relationship or courtship. A time of relationship or courtship is that period when two single people of opposite sex, ( man and women), have shown considerable interest in one another and are in a relationship, but are not yet married. This is a foundational stage that should not involve sexual intimacy yet between the two. Any engagement in sexual intimacy is sin, and will lead to judgment from God. Marriage is true when the following have occurred:
(i) Giving and receiving: Every woman needs the blessing of her parent or guardian in the process of marriage. (Giving; Mathew 24:38, 1 Corinthians 7::38) ,
(ii) The Vows: Marriage is a covenant relationship, therefore a clear commitment in the form of a vow must be witnessed by family members and friends. ( Malachi 2: 14-16)
(iii) Permission by the legal authority of the state or the church.

Anything that falls below the standard above is not considered proper marriage. Cohabitation is not acceptable marriage in the sight of God and the church, and therefore not acceptable among true believers of Jesus Christ. Any one that is living in this kind of arrangement is trapped in perpetually illicit sexual practice, and is disgraceful to the Lord. Repentance and restitution in the form of either sanctification of the marriage, or separation, are the only options available for any believer in Jesus Christ who is trapped in this scenario.

Beginning of a relationship: Marital relationship is God’s idea (Genesis 2:18), and therefore this project must involve the designer at all stages. Relating with intention of marriage should begin with God. God is the only perfect “match maker” who knows a suitable complement for each one. Many youths have made a shipwreck of this entire project of marriage by amplifying the external factors like beauty, and material possessions above the Designer’s prescription (Proverbs 31:30; Psalms 37:25). The timing depends on the pressure that one feels. Burning is not necessarily the working of demons, but could be a genuine calling to married life. (1 Corinthians 7:9). Not every one is called to marriage, and in that case, a person should not be pressured into marriage. There are vital steps that are quite critical:

(i) Prayer of preparation: Just like any serious undertaking, marriage needs a lot of preparation as well. There are virtues such as patience and other critical values that must be acquired first. Rushing into marriage minus these personal adjustments has led to a catastrophic end. The Basic prayer should not be, “God, give me a spouse.” but “God, prepare me to be a blessing to my spouse”. There are things in a person’s life that God should deal with first before blessing you with a spouse. Transformation and renewal are critical before finding God’s perfect will (Romans 12:2). There are Biblical values that a woman intending to marry should have:

R = Righteousness (Fear of God in her body, mind and action)
O = Obedience (adopting a culture of submission and respect for all)
D = Diligence (Household management capacity)

For any man preparing for a good marriage, he should have attained:
R = Righteousness (Fear of the Lord in all aspects)
O = Organized (Have direction in life for the woman to fit in)
L = Love (develop tender loving care and understanding)
F = Faith (enough capacity to trust God for everything)

God, if given the leverage, is always willing to
Lead us in the right direction (Isaiah 64:4).
That implies that we have to engage neutral gear first, listen carefully and are willing to wait.

(ii) To know the answer. Many people expect spectacular signs such as visions, angelic visitations, powerful dreams etc. This is a deception from the enemy. Although those may have happened to some people, it does not mean it should happen to every one. Spectacular signs should not be sough for in any decision; they happen rarely, and is always to non-believers, people of low faith, and disobedient to the Lord. God dwells in a believer, therefore He communicates from within – through inner peace, and strong but gentle willingness. (Philippians 2:13) ; ( Isaiah 30:21). There must be other verifications such as the Rhema and positive corresponding testimony from other people and counselors (Proverbs 11:14; 15:22)

(iii) Initial approach: Boys should not try to use a manipulative approach to win girls, but should genuinely express their affection and give plenty of room for the girl to make a decision. They should know that the girl has a right to consult God and conduct a wide research about them first. They should also know that there may be other people in her consideration list, and should not be offended by any delays. Meanwhile, they should expect either positive or negative response from the girl. Girls should consider each proposal quite carefully, and always in the light of Scripture. Counselors engaged in this consultation should be godly, mature and grounded in Biblical values. This is the second most important decision in life, and should not be treated playfully.

The Period of Engagement: This is a very important stage, and is considered the foundation stage. At this stage, the boy and girl are not considered married yet, and therefore should not engage in sexual intercourse. The couple-to-be must set up policies to avoid involvement in sexual sin, which actually, is the spoiler number one. Of the cases of painful break ups that I have handled, over 70% had indulged in premarital sexual relationship. The couple-to-be needs to transparently share information regarding each other. This includes past experiences, life ambition, family, friends, weaknesses and prayer requests.

They should create quality time with each other. This is very possible without sexual sin. Some boys have also gone to a far extreme in order to avoid sin. They have made a relationship quite boring. Whenever they find time together, the boys turns out to be a pastor or an evangelist to the sister. One girl shared with me her experience, when she got so disgusted she quit the relationship. She accused him of being a man of “Halleluiah” only, and probably too holy to be on earth. He kept a minimum distance of 5 meters from her without any smile or humor. She wondered what could happen on the day of the honeymoon with such an angel. I think the two extremes should be avoided.

The use of money and material benefits should be minimal. Commercializing a relationship is dangerous, and it is considered spoiler number two. Marriage is not a parasitic arrangement in which one items sucks the sap from the host. Proper marriage is a symbiotic relationship where both parties benefit from each other. This does not completely rule out gifts and surprises once in a while, this is a vital component of love. However, it should flow in both directions. Lopsided flow of gifts is a fault line in a relationship that could be a recipe of manipulation, dominion and control.

While serious commitment and trust is necessary in a relationship, it should not be made an idol. “Dargonizing” (from the word Dargon, the philistian Idol of the Bible time) a relationship is risky. Many have suffered massive emotional break down as a result of unexpected pull out. The Motto should be, “LOVE TIGHT BUT HOLD LOOSE.”

Putting on masks, or adopting artificial behavior is deceptive, and are signs of a wrong foundation. Freedom and lack of tension is a characteristic of true and genuine love. (1John 4:18). In a true relationship, adjustments are made on both sides, but not without arguments, and some times accompanied by tears.

My Example: My wife Christine and I are happily married for 22 years now. We understand, support and complement each other. She has been my source of inspiration and encouragement in ministry. But we came to this stability from a long way. We related for two years before marriage, and it was the stormiest of all our time together We both agreed to avoid sin, and that was quite easy. However, we experienced countless arguments, break-ups and reconnection during the two years of courtship.

One day I invited her to attend my sister’s marriage in Soroti, some 6 hours from Kampala City where she was student in the University. We had arranged that she also could meet my parents for the first time. I travelled to Kampala to pick her up. We boarded a bus at about 8:00 am expecting to be in Soroti around early afternoon.

However, just shortly after one hour of travel, we picked a heated argument which shocked our neighbors in the bus. She made up her mind not to attend my sister’s marriage any more, disembark at Kumi, her home town, just 50 minutes before Soroti and return to Kampala the following day. For twenty minutes, each of was silent and frustrated. I realized I was the one in the wrong, but because of ego ,could not stoop down to apologize. I thought of an alternative, and that was to buy her a drink with the hope that the problem could be solved. I was terribly mistaken. The bus stopped briefly at Iganga bus terminal. I got out and bought a chapatti ( pan cake) and a bottle of soft drink. I laid those in her lap, but to my surprise, she picked them up , opened the bus window tossed my gift out. We both went silent for another two and half hours.

At first I could not believe that she had changed her mind not to attend my sister’s wedding, till she notified the bus conductor of her decision to stop in Kumi, her home town. I realized I had to plead guilty and ask for forgiveness. She forgave me readily, and also requested for my forgiveness for tossing my gift out of the bus window. We made up as though nothing had happened. We enjoyed the last two hours of our journey. We learned each other’s likes and dislikes during this time.

Marriage: The end of engagement is proper marriage. This process should not be made complicated and unaffordable. What are really necessary are:
(i) The parents or guardians of both the man and woman
(ii) The Legal officer ( Priest or Pastor)
(iii) A couple of friends and relatives to witness the vows.

It is a ploy of the devil to make young people think marriage (the wedding) should be fancy. Young people strive for so called powerful wedding ceremonies, “using the resources they do not have,” to “impress the people they may not even like.” This attitude must be corrected. It does not necessarily mean that a wedding ceremony attended by thousands of people with 20 step-cakes, a fleet of vehicles and first class decorations is automatically successful marriage. Many young people go deep in debts and loans for a fancy wedding. The poor people, or those without connections, simply shy a way from proper marriage and opt for cohabitation, which is not acceptable.

STUDENT’S QUESTIONS AND MY ANSWERS ON RELATIONSHIPS

QUESTION 1: If I have a friend preparing to get married and his friend (Fiancé) had sex with another person, what will happen to me if I don’t tell her (my friend)?

ANSWER 1: Not alerting your friend about the engagement of his or her intended spouse is a terrible weakness on your side. (Ephesians 5:11). It shows that you do not love your friend, and are happy to see him or her head into danger. (Mathew 7:12). True Biblical love would mean confronting your friends intended spouse with evidence, and if he or she does not respond, involve other people including church Leadership.

QUESTION 2: I am in a relationship but the parents of my partner don’t want us to get married. What should I do?

ANSWER 2: There is no easy answer to this. However, the reason for refusal by the parents needs to be known, and if it is genuine it should be respected. For example, if the intended spouse is not a believer, a strong Christian family will protest against such relationship on Biblical grounds (2 Corinthians 6:14-17, 1 Corinthians 15:33). But generally, children have to obey their parents in the Lord, and marital relationship need the blessing of the parents (Ephesians 6:1). But at times there are situations where parents are simply manipulative and selfish, here it is necessary to resist them in love, honor and respect.

QUESTION 3: Pastor, tell us, does God truly show a person a partner and if so how?

ANSWER 3: Yes, I believe He really does. He is a perfect Matchmaker. He has promised a blessing of a spouse. Proverbs 19:14, Psalms 32:8-9. He puts genuine love and peace in the heart of both people. This can also confirmed by approval of friends and relatives.

QUESTION 4: What makes a good relationship and what do I need to know before getting married?

ANSWER 4: A good relationship is based on the fear of God, sincerity and transparency. Before one gets into a relationship, he or she needs to know that he or she is entering into a serious, divine project, where there no room for jokers. He or she should be sure of a call in that direction and the timing must also be perfect (Song of Songs 2:7; 3:5; 8:6-7).

QUESTION 5: I have a friend aged 27 years and says she does not want to think of getting married at all and yet she is healthy. Is it good not to marry at all?

ANSWER 5: Marriage is not a must for every one. There are people who have the grace to stay single and are happier in that way. They should not be forced to marriage. One has to feel the calling to marriage first, (1 Corinthians 7:9), and confirm that they have the capacity to execute the marital responsibilities (1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and 1 Timothy 5:8).

QUESTION 6: Is it okay for me to chew the money (de-tooth) those men who keep disturbing me that they want to have sex with me?

ANSWER 6: For a Christian woman, de-toothing is a not acceptable. It is a form of deceit and indirect prostitution driven by the Love of money (1Timothy 6:6-11). De-toothing is a deadly game that could lead to rape and murder.

QUESTION 7: We had sexual relationship in our relationship but asked God to forgive us. We promised each other never to mess up again until we wed. Will God forgive us?

ANSWER 8: Absolutely, God will forgive any one who is repentant (1 John 1:8-9; Isaiah 1: 18; Psalms 103:12). However, the forgiveness of God does not mean that the consequence of that sin won’t follow you and your children even for generations (Exodus 34:6-7)

QUESTION 9: How will I know that this person who is getting closer to me has the intention of falling in love with me?

ANSWER 9: A good marriage has to have an element of friendship. Research has proved that marriages which have endured the test began as friendship. The best is to ask God and avoid developing feelings without proof from God and the other person. You can also conduct a litmus test on this. Unreciprocated love is painful and can lead to deadly hysteria.

QUESTION 10: What should be done to brothers who break sisters’ hearts in the fellowship?